Without You
by Outcast10
Summary: Rukia's thoughts and feelings as she separated from Ichigo. This is a two  maybe three  part sad story, hope you enjoy it
1. Chapter 1

**Rukia.**

The sun sank low, I walked through the barracks of squad 13 with my head held high. I was one of the many honorable soul reapers to go through and help during the Winter War. I had every reason to be proud. I had defeated many strong enemies which included an Espada and help rescued my friend Orihime Inoue. I had even heard the rumors going around in my squad about Captain Ukitake wanting to promote me to lieutenant level.

It had been two months since I had said my good-byes in the World of the Living and returned back to the Soul Society. It was hard to get used to the way how things were before… everything, but I was almost sure I was back to my normal activities.

I just returned from making my daily rounds and I was pleasantly surprised how many squad members still stopped me to congratulate me on my performance in Hueco Mundo. As I reached my own room, a feeling of loneliness crept into the confinement of my chest. My old room seemed more foreign then I had ever remembered.

I set down Sode no Shirayuki by my bed and sat down on my quilt inhabiting the floor. The loneliness in my chest was now washing through my whole body. I silently cursed myself for thinking about a subject I'd been suppressing since I'd returned. I tried desperately not to think about it but I couldn't control the words rotating my mind.

I missed it.  
>I missed my old room back in the World of the Living.<br>I missed the school.  
>I missed the people I had met there.<br>I missed my close friends I had made, Chad, Uryu, and Orihime.  
>I missed Mr. Kurosaki along with his young daughters Yuzu and Karin.<br>I even missed Kon and his annoying, perverted habits.  
>I missed Karakura Town.<p>

…But the one that pulled at my heart the most, the very person that made my soul ache with sorrow and sadness, and the man I missed the most out of everything…

"Ichigo…" His bright orange hair, tan skin, soft brown eyes, dazzling smile and valiant nature flashed through my mind. Sharp pains arose around where my heart was. The dark room became disoriented as tears leapt into my eyes.

I had be very excellent about keeping my emotions down, I didn't want such an overwhelming feeling to ever be shown but I couldn't do anything as it started to pour out.

Where was he? How was he feeling? Was I really never going to see him again? Why did it have to be this way? Was he really okay with losing his powers? Why did it have to be this way? Was he thinking of me? Did he miss me like I yearned for him? **WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY?**

Tears came streaming down my face gathering quickly at my chin before dropping into my lap. My breath was hitching and coming in more shallowly.

"This is farewell, Ichigo."  
><em>I don't want it to be over.<em>

"Seems so."  
><em>I wish I could stay.<em>

"What? Don't look so sad. Even if you can no longer see me, I can still see you."  
><em>I'm trying to reassure you and make us both feel better. I'm the one trying to keep my face.<em>

"What? That doesn't make me happy at all! And I wasn't making a sad face, either!"  
><em>Maybe you're trying to cover up your sadness too?<em>

"...Tell everyone I give them my best."  
><em>They're all going to miss you…<em>

"Okay."  
><em>…But none more then I.<em>

"Bye, Rukia… Thank you."  
><em>You're welcome… you fool.<em>

I choked out a sob as my arms clutched to my sides. I shook as all the feeling I had been storing up for a month came rushing out. Small whimpers and cries slipped out of my mouth, making me sound just about as pitiful as I looked. I hoped that anyone with decent hearing wouldn't be passing by as I wept.

Why did he have to make me feel this way? Why did I have to remember all the memories we went through? Why did he have to be so important to me? Why did I have to miss him so much?

I tried to shut myself down by thinking that he can now go back to his normal life. How he won't ever have to risk his life anymore. How he'll be safer. How he'll be able to settle down with someone he loves, maybe someone like Orihime. But this only makes me feel worse, causing me to cry harder, my head throbbing due to lack of oxygen.

…Eventually I was able to lie down and halt my tears, but I felt cold and empty. Much to my infuriation towards myself, I felt as though part of me was dying.

It was in that moment that I realized that **I loved him.**  
>Which shattered me even more.<p>

I stood motionless in front of my whole squad along with my few friends, as Captain Ukitake presented me with squad thirteen lieutenant's badge. I could make out Renji, my brother, and even Hanataro in the crowd.

"Here you are Ms. Rukia Kuchiki, I present you with the badge of second in command. You will perform your duties when you are needed to at any given time with little or no questions?"

I forced myself to smile and bow. "Yes, sir."

As I sat down in Kaien's old office after getting settled in, I let my mask of normality drop into my dead looking facial expression. Ever since my break down in my room, a numb feeling overpowered all of my other moods. I understood if I even thought about him again, even a little bit, I would have to go through that frightful experience all over again.

"I guess…" I whispered out loud looking up out the window into the great blue of the sky. "…I'll survive like this."


	2. Chapter 2

**_Ichigo._**

The sun shone brightly in my face as I sauntered home with Keigo and Mizuro on either side of me talking about vacations, dislike of school, girls and more things I wasn't catching. "Ichigo?… Ichigo!" "Hm?" I replied to Keigo rolling my head to look at him. His face was unusually worried. "Hey are you okay? You've been quite the whole walk home." "Not to mention all of class." Mizuro added curiously. "… I'm fine… just tired." I replied with an unmoving expression. My friends just glanced at each other unconvinced.

It was over. It was all over. Everything that I had planned anticipated and trained for about a year. And like that it was finished. Aizen was in prisoned and Orihime was safely back home. It felt like a crash after a sugar rush. It left me feeling like I was missing everything and all the excitement of life abruptly stopped.

A couple months had passed since I had officially lost my shinigami powers. I'd turned 16 at long last and was soon looking forward to my next and last year of school. Everything was going on like nothing was ever changed. It seemed like all that was left for me to do was to adapt.

Once I turned into my house, discarded my shoes at the front, I solemnly headed up the stairs. I thanked my good luck I didn't run into any of my family. This wasn't the time for interactions. I laid my bags down by my desk and just… sorta stood in the middle of my room staring at my environment. It didn't look right. My room. It felt… empty.  
>A harsh pulse feeling of solitary extended throughout my body. I clenched my fists trying to push it back. To push back the odd sensation that was making my stomach turn. I could feel it shooting up to my brain, making me think of things I'd been pushing into the depths of my mind, forcing them to resurface.<p>

I missed it.  
>I missed the power to protect my friends.<br>I missed the responsibilities of my job as a Substitute Shinigami.  
>I missed the people I had met.<br>I missed my close friends I had made, Renji, Ikkaku, Toshiro, Captain Ukitake and much more than that.  
>I missed the feeling of union between everyone.<br>I even missed the crazy and bizarre situations that came along with it.  
>I missed the Soul Society.<p>

…But the thing that scratched at my brain, the person that made me feel my stomach had vanished in thin air, and the woman who had changed my whole entire world…

"Rukia…" Her black raven hair, pale skin, shining violet eyes, her ridiculous drawings, and her fearless nature to stay on path twisted through my head. I gritted my teeth and clenched my eyes shut as pains jolted through my chest.

It wasn't just feeling lonely, there was anger mixed in as well. Anger that even though I was put through a huge ordeal and I still lost was most important to me. Why couldn't I have kept her here? Why did I have to lose her?

I could feel the threatening tug of tears in my eyes. I hadn't cried since around the time of my mother's death. I hated it. I feared it. I didn't want to cry again. I didn't want to feel helpless. But… it was how I was feeling right now.

I gripped the front of my head painfully as a suppression attempt to push the overwhelming feelings back down.

Where was she? Was she feeling alright? Why did it have to be this way? Was she pushing herself again? Was I really not gonna see her again ever? Why did it have to be this way? Did she miss me? Why do I miss her so badly? **WHY DID IT HAVE TO FUCKING BE THIS WAY?**

I sat on my bed and covering my face with one of my hands as tears escaped out of me at an alarming rate, collecting into my palm. My breath quickened and began gasping out miserable noises.

"This is farewell, Ichigo."

_Don't say it.  
><em>

"Seems so."

_Why can't you stay?  
><em>

"What? Don't look so sad. Even if you can no longer see me, I can still see you."

_Shit, is THAT obvious? I can't have you see me like this.  
><em>

"What? That doesn't make me happy at all! And I wasn't making a sad face, either!"

_I'm such a fuckin' liar._

"...Tell everyone I give them my best."

_I really am gonna miss them all…  
><em>

"Okay."

…_But nothing's going to compare to you.  
><em>

"Bye, Rukia… Thank you."

_Please don't leave me.  
><em>

My whole body shook head to toe as I let out all my emotions that I'd stored in the back of my mind. I gritted my teeth to stop the cries and sobs from coming out, but in the end I still ended out sounding pathetic. I was so glad Yuzu, Karen and Dad weren't around to here this, I don't even think they'd know how to handle it.

Why'd she have such an effect on me? Why'd I have to re-live all the memories together? Was she always this special to me? Why'd I have to miss her so damn much?

I tried pushing those thoughts down again and replacing them with reassuring ones. She'd finally be able to do her job right by not having to monitor me anymore. She'll have time to focus on her own life. She could even get promoted. Maybe have some kids with someone she loves… maybe Renji. Fury boiled through my skin as the very thought of it made me want to yell out in anger. My head pulsated with pain as my lack of breath was starting to catch up with me.

…As I lay in bed, my eyes hurt as tears dried around there edges. I felt so alone… so hollow. It felt like part of me was dying, which made me pissed at myself for feeling so goddamn powerless.

It was in that moment that I realized that **I loved her.**  
>Which shattered me even more.<p>

I stood still and silent as our spring ceremony commenced. It was gonna be another year until I was done with high school. All my peers and lower classmates were here around me. They were all moving forward in their life and leaving something in their past behind… just like me.

"Ichigo!" Tatsuki and the rest of them found me afterwards. "How does some food sound to you?" I surveyed my friends; they all looked eager and happy… how could I try to ruin that with my attitude. I forced a small grin. "Sounds good to me." "Alright! I'm starving!" Keigo chimed.

I sat in my newly acquired classroom near the window. Everyone was paying attention to the teacher so I let my face drop to its deaden look. I felt detached ever since that one afternoon and didn't feel like it was going away anytime soon. It didn't matter; I'll just fake my emotions… and not think about her… it was the safest thing to do.

"I guess…" I whispered quietly out loud looking up out the window into the great blue of the sky. "…I'll survive like this."


End file.
